I look in the mirror and sigh everyday... I walk past a shop window and sigh...
I use to care what I looked like, I use to take pride in my appearance... I don't think I ever quite knew I had become so complacent in my relief milker/house wife role, until my old friend brought it over salad and coffee at lunch...
"Oh wow, Carrie, you just chucked your hair up and put your sunnies on your head to mask that you haven't even bother brushing it.... and look at what your wearing, 3/4 trackies and an old top..." - Yep I had never noticed, I mean I have been doing that for nearly 3 years... It all started after Paul asked me to marry him... I stopped caring how I looked I had my man!
Lately I have been looking back on my past with Paul, and the rampaging sex life we once had, and the quick fall it had... Round about the time I started gaining weight (not just the depo but the choices I made) and stop presenting myself... I don't blame him... He tells me so much he doesn't care what I look like he still loves me... But I can bet a years wages he does care but loves me too much to tell me!
I mean I no longer work in corporate so I don't care about make up (shit I cant remember the last time I slapped it on!) I chuck on clothes without a thought, I never brush my hair (always a ponytail), I rarely shave haha... and sometimes Paul will pull out the "old" you don't look comfortable in that a.k.a Yeah those pants are WAYYYY to tight! I can't tell you how much my little bubble burst when I hear that...
I know he loves me, but I can't love myself, I *dislike* who I have become, I feel yuck, and lets be serious I need a bloody job (that can't happen til June after we move), I need to be me again... I am tired of Paul, looking at me, and seeing something I don't. I just want him to be sexuality attractive to me again... I want to be attracted to myself! - I mean I can take a photo of myself in a moment of feeling good - see the photo and want to cry, as not even a "my space" photo that gives me the appearance of being sexy/hot/skinny, not such a great feeling... argh help me!
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I think you just need too find yourself again hun and everything will fall into place for you. You guys have had a hell of a trek the past couple of years by the sounds so i would just work on yourself for now.
ReplyDeletereading this really hit a nerve with me. because i feel the exact same way. Sometimes i wonder why i feel like i cant be happy until this weight is off. But then my sister said to me "if you cant be happy with yourself now, than you still will not be happy with yourself when you are skinny" If we can change the way we are thinking to the positive, maybe this will all work out! good luck to you, you can do this!
ReplyDeleteOh hun, you have described exactly how I was feeling only a couple of weeks back. I think you are describing all of us at some stage of our lives.
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